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From an article entitled "Puppy School":
Welcome puppies. You are about to embark upon the most important phase in your life and that is proper education. Our major principle out here is to teach you to be an individual, to teach you how not to bow down to the human, teach you how to make life miserable for the humans in short do everything possible to embarrass and humiliate the humans. One day you are going to go out in this world and maybe adopt a human being and if you are lucky HE will behave the way you want to, if not the old adage comes true "it’s a dog’s life".
Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.
Make strangers feel sorry for you. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
Teach your humans to be patient. When you go outside to go pee, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
Show independence. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go poop. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
Take charge at bath time. After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your humans’ bedtime.
Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them and make them think something terrible has happened to you. Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears. This is a good one – don’t overuse it and your humans will be so relieved to find that you’re OK that it could get many doggie treats.
Start their day off right. Wake up one hour before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside; this will drive them nuts.
Be entertaining. When your human is entertaining friends, wait outside the bathroom and drink water from the toilet bowl taking care to see that you are noticed by all. Practicing your mating instincts in public is also highly recommended. You can go through the motions with a chair or table leg, if possible try it on a human leg.
Share "the sweetest things in life" with your human. Throw up in the car. Roll on dead fish, dead seagulls, crabs etc. Think of the diaper pail is like a treasure chest… explore it, play with it, improve your hunting skills, and if possible string out the soiled diapers all over the place. Share these good smells with your human and whenever possible, nuzzle your human and lick their face — especially after you’ve just eaten poo.
[This article was derived from a fictional piece entitled "Dog School". See the original post by Tyr Anon in its entirety here.]
I like to help Dog Parents find unique ways to do things that will save time & money — so I write about “outside the box” Dog Tips and Dog Hacks that most wouldn’t think of. I’m a lifelong dog owner — currently have 2 mixed breed Golden Aussies that we found abandoned on the side of the road as puppies. I’ve always trained my own dogs and help friends train theirs, as well. Professionally, I worked at a vet and have several friends who are veterinarians — whom I consult with regularly. (And just because I love animals so much, I also worked at a Zoo for awhile!) I’ve been sharing my best ideas with others by blogging full-time since 1998 (the same year that Google started… and before the days of Facebook and YouTube). My daily motivation is to help first-time dog owners be better prepared from the first day your new puppy enters your home. I like to help dog owners understand what’s ‘normal’ and what you can expect in terms of living with and training your dog — how to get through the ups & downs of potty training, chewing, teaching commands, getting your dog to listen, and everything else that takes place during that hectic first year! When I’m not training, walking, grooming, or making homemade treats for my dogs, you will find me at the corner of Good News & Fun Times as publisher of The Fun Times Guide (32 fun & helpful websites). To date, I’ve written over 500 articles for dog owners on this site! Many of them have upwards of 200K shares.